My Life As An Addict

Turning 30 screwed me up. It wasn't the fact that I was getting older. It was the fact that the fairy tale in my head was shattered into pieces. At 18 I was thinking I would have the life that I saw in the movies by the time I was 30. I would have a ton of cash flow, big beautiful house, a rich hunk that looked like he stepped out a magazine, and gorgeous Einstein like children. Just a wonderful world of pleasant-ville.

Needless to say that was a crock of crap! As I grew I was on this luscious roller coaster called life. I discovered boys and all their glory. I was pretty hot stuff in high school and college. You know the usual perfect body type, parents had enough money so I could have fabulous clothes, smart, easy on the eyes, a sorority girl, magnetic personality, and the ultimate...low self esteem. My below sea level self esteem and I began to date and it was a big mess to say the least. Lots of set ups, set backs, and heart breaks. This wasn't in the plan and it was shattering my little fantasy of the perfect life with my handsome prince and babies. The Disney movies never told me that it was real out here in these streets.

But there's this guy. Isn't it always this guy? Well  for me there was always a guy because I was "Ms Stuff Don't Stink." Why be alone when you can be the object of someone's affection? I was always the object of someone's affection. Attracting men was never a problem. Due to this, I went from relationship to relationship. Honey, serial monogamy had nothing on me! After one major broken relationship I met this guy who made me laugh. He was the "Funny Guy" and that's what he did for a living. It was about 2 years on and off of back and forth. He was there but inside I knew he wasn't the one. I rationalized it in my head. But he was there and in my mind he would always be there. I thought I just had it like that because he was available to me. After his shows there were hundreds of women waiting to take pictures with him after he came off stage. But it didn't matter because he was running home to me. I got it like that! One day I looked up and realized I had actually fell for this guy. How did that happen? I kept trying to tell myself I didn't love him when I did. I loved him a lot more than I loved myself. I would give him things I wouldn't give myself. He was all wrong for me. Handsome but emotionally troubled from the past just like I was. I thought to myself, "If I could just be a supportive girlfriend I know my love would change him for the better and he always tells me that he loves me so much." Well it seemed as though it got worse. I knew it was destructive but it took a sad fold of events for me to leave him so I pulled out fast only to run into someone else...

We will call  this someone else the "Smooth Operator." He and I were never intimate physically but he captivated my mind. If you get into someone's head you own them. Little did he know he owned me. He listened to me and everything he said was right until it wasn't right anymore. The more he talked the more I knew in my inner-being that something was off. My inner signals were yelling, "run girl run!" But I just couldn't put my finger on it. He disappeared into thin air just like that. What in the world? My ego was crushed because I'm all that and a bag of chips right? You don't drop me boy I drop you! I was so wrong. While being dropped like a bad habit the "Funny Guy" was calling my phone making me laugh once again. We had been through a lot together. His apologies meant the world to me and I accepted them along with all of his emotional baggage. We put our pain together and had one sad party. I got my toolbox out again to try to fix him only to discover that he got worse. How after all that work I did the first time you have the nerve to go and get worse on me?

I went to my favorite place which is the bookstore. I walked to the self help section making notes of everything I needed to buy online since I'm a coupon diva. One of my favorite business coaches, Bob Proctor always says, "If its people you need you will attract it. If its a book you need you will attract it. Everything you need will be attracted to you." I bought a book called the Soul mate Secret. It assists you in making peace with your past. Or in my case, terrible decision making in romantic partners. After doing one of the meditation exercises I laid on the floor weeping. I mean, this was a cry from my soul. I weeped so loudly that I screamed and it startled me. It was all that junk that I ignored. The powerlessness that I allowed to creep in. I cried for several days like clock work. I said, "oh yea, it's 5pm eastern and its time to take my daily dose of depression."

Even now, I talk to God everyday, I haven't missed a day of speaking to Him in years. I've mastered how to talk at Him all day long. However, this time I heard Him talk back. Not in one of those creepy voices on television but in my spirit inside me. It was the clearest thing I ever heard. I went to sleep after all the tears and even heard God talk to me in my dreams. The voice told me, "I'm breaking you down but I'm here for you because you can't be two people." It made sense. knew that I couldn't be who I was and who I used to be at the same time. It was then that everything I wasn't strong enough to let go of, let go of me. The "Funny Guy" and "Smooth Operator" left your girl in the dust. 

In the soul-mate secret there's an exercise where you mentally confront the past so I did. All of a sudden here goes the letters and text messages. The opportunity came to release and make peace. I received Facebook messages, texts, handwritten letters, and more from people in the past. "Smooth Operator" contacted me to apologize and I closed that chapter. The two year "Funny Guy" saga ended because he discovered other interests. Because he and I had been through a lot together it felt like a small death that had to be properly mourned. Even friendships with home-girls that failed in the past began to reach out. This happened in a matter of weeks and I was so shocked I had to tell a good friend about it who was just as shocked as I was. You see, until you complete the past there is no space for your king to come. Or anything else for that matter that you desire. I went through the house and trashed everything that didn't make me feel good. Gifts from old boyfriends, pictures, clothes, you name it, it was gone. Then I blessed my apartment and asked God for a big favor. 

Dear God,

Help me to make space for my king. Let me fully embrace and enjoy my time alone until he arrives. I want to see things, do things, and go places. I want to laugh, have fun, and keep my heart safely open without judgement. I know he's out there just as excited to meet me as well. I pray that you cover him in rapturous love. Allow him to feel my love every time he has a rough day. Allow him to hear my prayers for his purpose. Allow him to feel me speaking to the king that lives inside of him even before we meet. Allow him to see me as the one created just for him. I know we are meeting right now in the spirit. Tell him that I love him God so when he comes he can feel the love that is already here just for him.

Immediately a feeling fell upon me. A love so strong that I just had to lay there and savor it. This love made me laugh and smile. That's when I realized I could enjoy the feelings of love right now everywhere I go with everyone I meet. Needless to say I'm smack dab in the middle of a love detox. The girl who couldn't be alone is now completely single. Sheesh! There it is, I said it. I'm single at 30 without the Disney Prince and perfect cartoon babies. I'm making space for all things noble, all things promised, and all things good.

If you're anything like me smack dab in the brink of a spiritual transformation, here are some practical steps you can use on your journey to making peace with the past and yourself.

Never Stop Learning: If you want to change the answer is in a book. People who take journeys like I'm taking now, write about it. They put there hearts into tangible form to increase your evolution. You can learn everything you need to know to enhance yourself by reading. Whatever book you need, blog you need, scripture you need, and more will be attracted to you at the right moment when you're ready to receive it.

Listen More: Take the time to be still and listen. The warning signs are always there. You always know if the guy isn't for you. You always know if you shouldn't do business with certain people. You inner being tells you so don't ignore it. Save yourself the energy by listening to your inner being.

Keep It Real: You might be angry or sad and that's okay. However, it's never okay to stay there. Acknowledge how you feel. If you're pissed just be pissed. If you're sad then go cry about it. Stand in the mirror and cry and look at how ridiculous you look. Then give yourself a deadline. I always say, "okay I'm pissed and I get exactly one hour or more to be pissed off then I have to be over it." I do the same thing with sadness for however long my allotted time is, then I leave it there and move on.

Forgive: Release those who you've blamed for your pain. If you're honest with yourself, you allowed this to happen. You invited them into your sacred space and it didn't work out the way you planned. So be it. Forgiveness is not for them. It's for you. If you don't forgive it eats away at the beauty that is you. No one deserves to have your beauty.

Confess: Maybe you don't want to go lay on a therapist couch but you have to talk to somebody. The word of God says to confess your sins to one another. We all need somebody who provides safety and empathy for us. If you don't have a friend in your life like that then therapy is the next best option. Everything is confidential and most health insurance carriers cover this so check your benefits. Don't keep it inside.

Be Your Own Hero: I have become my biggest hero and cheerleader. After all the hiccups I'm still here and thriving. That definitely counts for something. Heroes are very brave people. Every hero has had to leap over obstacles to reach their destiny. I have learned how to rescue myself from tragedy.

Meditate: Prayer and meditation has changed my life. I've always prayed but I did not always listen. I never really gave God the time to respond until about a year ago. Now I hear Him more clearly by the day.

Play Up Your Strengths: What's unique about you? Are you great with leading people and teams? Do you have a winning personality? Can you draw, write, or teach? We all have a gift and your strength lies in that gift. Use those gifts to your full advantage and play them up as much as possible while you simultaneously work on your weaknesses. You never know who's watching or listening to you. You just might help change a life with your strength.

Make Space: If you want more in your life you have to make space for it. Want more money? Stop spending all of it and expect that more is on the way from unexpected sources. Want real love? Don't have one foot in freedom and one foot in attachment. You can't straddle the fence. Love can't enter when you're attached to the past. Drop the past like it's on fire. This includes past romantic relationships and dead end friendships. You will survive and thrive without it I promise. 

Peace is for you. Nothing has control over you unless you give it control. You are addicted to whatever you give your power to. I gave my power over to people in friendships and relationships that God never spoke into being. Be brave enough to let go. One thing about God is that He never leaves Himself without a witness. He will bring others to speak into your life or if you're hard headed like me He will speak to you directly. Even in your dreams. Again, be brave for I know that if you show the universe with your actions that you are ready, miracles are allowed to take place. If you've made a decision today to let go, then get ready for miracles. 




A Recovered Love Addict



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